Note from Mark Timm, CEO Ziglar Family: We are honored to welcome Shaunti Feldhahn as our Ziglar Family guest blogger this week. Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing.
After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage.
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com to learn more about Shaunti and her ground-breaking work.
Every day, our men wake up and head out to “conquer” the world. Or, rather, the worlds of work, finances, home, school, kids’ activities, sports…We think we understand that, right?
Turns out, we don’t. Not quite. Because in his mind, it isn’t about “juggling” everything. Instead, every one of those spheres has a very, very specific set of expectations of him — expectations that he is desperately trying to meet. And at a deep level, he doubts that he is adequate to the task.
You see, a man may look confident on the outside, but on the inside, he is constantly asking himself, Do I measure up?” Do I measure up as a provider and protector? As the husband my wife needs? As a dad? I want to be a great dad… but am I? Every day he is pouring out his effort… and wondering whether the most important person in his life thinks he has hit the mark.
So how can you invest in him in return? How can you show him that he is a great husband or father? Believe it or not, one of the most powerful ways to show your husband how you feel about him is by looking for daily opportunities to say two little words: “thank you.”
In my research For Women Only and The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, I interviewed and surveyed thousands of men, in part to solve one thorny problem: what is it that you can say to a man that conveys all you feel about him?
After all, guys kind of get off easy in the “what to say” department, right? When he says those precious words, “I love you,” we hear ten different things. Not just “I feel such affection for you,” but sentiments like “You’re mine” and “I would choose you all over again.”
The problem is, the men in the research broke the news that, for them, hearing “I love you” is nice, but really doesn’t have that same sort of emotional impact. Instead, what deeply touches your husband’s heart is “thank you.”
Thank you for clipping the hedges, even though you weren’t feeling well today.
Thank you for being willing to pick up the kids when I got stuck in a meeting – you’re a wonderful husband.
Thank you for working so hard to support the family.
Those sentiments are stuff we may think, but we don’t say often enough. And since a man’s primary need is appreciation and respect, we need to get in the habit of saying it!
I had one man tell me that he worked a grueling job as a sales executive. He would come home drained and tired after long hours and late-night meetings. His wife would give him a huge hug, and say, “Thank you for how you provide for our family. You do such a great job!”
He says, “Those words were all the encouragement I needed. Hearing ‘thank you’ means that she noticed what I did, appreciates it, and says it was good.” He said it makes him feel like he has on a Superman cape and can take on the world!
I know that to most wives it sounds impossible that those two little words could make such a difference emotionally. So don’t take my word for it. Try it.
The next time your husband is heading out the door for work or completing a chore in the yard, make an investment in his emotional bank account by saying “thank you.” Let him know you see what he has done and appreciate his efforts. Your deposit of respect and appreciation will speak volumes to his heart.
And don’t give up if it takes a while to see him respond.
Usually, a purposeful attention to saying “thank you” will show dividends immediately, but sometimes hurts and doubt have built a wall that takes a while to overcome.
So, make this a long-term investment in your relationship, and don’t give up. Just like a seed that is planted and has to be watered, an investment may not always deliver results right away – but in time, it will grow to produce something beautiful.
Question: How can you apply this information to your own relationship? Do you have any other ideas or suggestions on how best to speak love to your spouse?